were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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