My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
