My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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