nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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