remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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