ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
