Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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