i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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