I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
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You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
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Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize