Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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