Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
