There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
