moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Randomize
