Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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