I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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