he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
