how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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