he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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