Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
