So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
