this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
