My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
