she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
