Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
