I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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