i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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