yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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