i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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