If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
