I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
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Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
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Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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