On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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