I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
