I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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