Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
