You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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