Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You did what with his pubic hair?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
