Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
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Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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