I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
