Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Semen is not good for contacts.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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