Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
