i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
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Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
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The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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