I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You're a waste of cheezeits
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
