Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
