I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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