I wanna bring you to show and tell
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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