my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
40s are totally the cure
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Pants are for mortals
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
