I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
