I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
