you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
