I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
so much tequila, so little girl.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
