he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
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Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
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High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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