i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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