I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
