Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
