This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
