By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
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I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
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I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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