Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
