Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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