We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
