i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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