So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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